In pain


About 6 months ago, I decided to change from working full time to three days a week. I hoped, as I took over the responsibility to take care of Ethan, his grandparents would be able to get some peace at least a couple days a week.

What I didn’t expect though is, with my progressing pregnancy, his father’s back-to-school, and Ethan’s becoming a complicated kid, it would be THIS hard!

I have no idea since when, but most of the time right after he wakes up from his afternoon nap, his body goes limp with anger, like a fresh fish being pulled out of a lake, struggles to slip his way out of anything. I will try to hold him, but he will cry and turn himself upside down wanting to get down. Half way through I’m going to let him down, he will tilt his legs up wanting me to hold him back.

At one point today I was holding his body sideways with my right hand, pulling him milk with my left hand, trying to use my hip to restraint his legs  from violently kicking my belly…it looked like I was being electrocuted.

Then I ran out of energy that I had to put him down and simply laid him sprawling on floor with his amplified screams. He shoved off anything I tried to give him. I had no clue what the heck went wrong! I was just busting my ass to calm him down, but he still acted like he was biting heads off of rats and spraying their blood through his teeth all over my body.

This helpless battle went on the whole evening accompanied by his usual maddening hunger strike, until I completely broke down in tears.

I wanted so badly to pick up the phone and call his father or just anybody who could possibly help. But then I realized no one was able to fix this except my calling 911 and telling them, “I have a vampire at my house sucking my blood, and I’m turning blue.”

I never thought he would be this kid. I used to see kids like him in public and think if I were her parent, I would be able to stop her.  I used to be an idiot. I used to need a good bat to the head. Although the idiot part of me still wonders how this is fair, the part of me with the bat in her hand knows that fairness was never a part of the arrangement.

I think I’m still waiting for things to happen like I imagined they would when I was single and had no frame of reference. But I also realized instead I should be accepting the fact that this is how he came along and asking myself how to make the most of it. This should come naturally because experience has told me expectations could destroy relationship.

Posted in Son

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